dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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