I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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