so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
