Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
