You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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