You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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