Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Randomize
