At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
