You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
