I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
