I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize