Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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