foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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