Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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