I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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