I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i love accidental penises.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
