Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
pop tarts are not kleenex
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
