Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
