Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
