I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
