Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
