it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
