apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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