My friends, they love my intelligence
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm getting married
To pizza
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
