I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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