guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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