im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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