i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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