I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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