I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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