did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize