Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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