those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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