ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize