maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
