Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
