I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
