HIV tests are more positive than that guy
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
