I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
