Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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