You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
