Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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