mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
