He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Randomize
