i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
