The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
