I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
