Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
