got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
