So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
