At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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