ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
