3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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