wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
