is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I can text with my tongue
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
