god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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