Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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