I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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