In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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