It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
