Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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